


Under my skin

by blueminshee (hereruha)



Series: Under my skin [1]
Category: K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Gangsters, Established Kim Taehyung | V/Park Jimin, Jeon Jungkook & Park Jimin Are Best Friends, Jeon Jungkook Is a Good Friend, M/M, Mention of torture, My First Work in This Fandom, Park Jimin is kinda messed up, Unhealthy Relationships, mention of murder, yoonkook is mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-14 22:49:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16921908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hereruha/pseuds/blueminshee
Summary: He knew it was wrong, he knew he shouldn't be doing it, but he wasn't really a reasonable person anymore, was he? He wasn't the same as he used to be. He had always praised himself for valuing life more than anything else, but if he said that now, he would be a liar, a hypocrite. It had been so easy to pull the trigger, to just let go, all that for one person.





	Under my skin

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing for this fandom, and also my first time writing in 3 months, omg.  
> I hope you will enjoy it ♡

 

He sighed heavily as he got more comfortable on the couch, the only source of light in the living room being the TV that played a random show. He muted it, rolling his eyes as he heard the hostess laugh at something that clearly wasn’t meant to be funny, and threw the remote control to the side. He then fished his phone out of his pocket, staring down at the screen, his thumb hovering over the call button. He wasn't supposed to do it, he knew it, he was better off without the other after everything that had happened, at least that’s what people around him claimed, but his heart craved for him so much it hurt. After months he thought the pain would have subsided, but it actually had worsened.

“Hyung, don’t even think about it.”

He startled in his spot, whipping around to see Jeongguk standing in the doorway of his bedroom. A scowl graced the other’s face as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“Why do you even still have his number?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” sighed Jimin, putting his phone down on the coffee table.

“Please, I’m not dumb,” grunted Jeongguk, walking in the kitchen to get a drink. “I thought you wanted to cut ties,” he continued, his voice echoing from the other room.

“You wanted me to cut ties,” retorted Jimin, hugging his knees to his chest, his silver bangs covering his eyes.

“For a good reason,” countered the other, coming back with a glass of water in hand. “Hyung, you came back covered in blood the last time you saw him.”

“That was–”

“It wasn’t an accident, hyung, stop trying to make me believe that,” cut him off Jeongguk, gritting his teeth. He put his glass down, wanting to approach his best friend, but stopped himself when he saw him curl up even more as he got closer to him. “I know who he is, I know what he’s a part of, there’s no way that was an accident.”

Jimin pressed the heels of his hands in his eyes, groaning. He didn’t want to think about it, he didn’t want to think about what had happened that night, about what he had done that night. After a while, he had come to terms with it, he knew there was no going back and that he just had to live with it, but thinking about it made him question himself. How could he have done that? How didn’t he even think twice before doing it? He had always praised himself for valuing life more than anything else, was he a hypocrite then? A liar? He hated how easy it had been to pull the trigger, to just let go.

“You don’t know anything,” whispered Jimin, rubbing his eyes to make the tears of frustration go away. “You think you know everything, but you don’t even know half of it.”

“Because you won’t talk to me.”

“There’s a reason to that, Jeongguk!” he exclaimed, standing up all of a sudden, tears now flowing freely down his cheeks. “You don’t want to know, believe me! Sometimes I wish I could go back to my ignorant self, but I can’t, and I don’t want that to be your case, too.”

“I’m not a child you have to protect, hyung, not anymore,” frowned the other, walking up to Jimin to grab him by the shoulders. “I want to help you, you’re withering away, I can see it.”

Jimin stared at him with an indecipherable look, locking eyes with him. He then smiled at him, making the other freeze in his spot. Jeongguk had been dreaming of the day he would finally see his best friend genuinely smile again, but this bittersweet smile only made a shiver run down his spine and his stomach churn painfully.

“You really want to know the truth, Gukkie?” he asked, his voice low as he kept eye contact.

“I…” he was at a loss for words, still trying to decipher the look the other was giving him.

“You know, you can never forget murder, Gukkie,” murmured Jimin, stroking his cheek, watching shock paint his face as all colour drained from it. “You can never forget watching life leave someone’s eyes.”

He took a step back, watching realisation dawn upon the other. He could see how the look in his best friend’s eyes changed, but he couldn’t quite tell what it meant, this time he just couldn’t tell what Jeongguk was thinking.

“You…”

“You said you wanted me to talk to you, to tell you the truth, so there it is, plain and simple. We killed someone, Jeongguk, I killed someone, and I didn’t even hesitate,” he stated, still smiling.

“Hyung…”

“There’s no excuse for what I did, there’s no explanation either. I just did it,” he sighed, grabbing his phone. “Now, are you sure you wanted to know the truth?”

Jeongguk kept on staring at his best friend, not quite sure what to do or say. He knew Jimin had done questionable things while he was in that relationship, he knew they had shoplifted more than once, scaring people for fun, done drugs, something Jimin himself said he would never do, but those were all insignificant compared to what he had just admitted. Jimin had always told him there had been an accident, that he had tried to help, which explained the blood, but Jeongguk had never believed him. If it was an accident, why was he alone to deal with it? If his so-called boyfriend had been there, maybe Jeongguk would have believed it, Jimin always tried to help after all, it was part of his goodhearted nature, but no, his best friend had been left alone to deal with the aftermath of what had happened.

Jimin observed the way the other stayed grounded in his spot, not moving from even an inch. This would forever change their friendship, he knew it, but he also knew that at some point he would have to come clean. He couldn’t forever hide what he had done from Jeongguk, murder weighed on your conscience, he knew that one day, he would break. That he had lasted this long actually surprised him, even though he more than once thought he had lost it the past few months. But right now he had control over what he decided to share and what he decided to keep to himself, which was best for himself as well as for his best friend. Jeongguk despised his last relationship, he knew it. The moment he had learnt who Jimin was involved with, he had told him it was a bad idea and how dangerous it was, he had told him how his boyfriend was rumoured to be the heir to one of the biggest crime syndicates in the country, but those were things Jimin knew already, he knew what he was getting himself into, or at least he thought so.

“I don’t expect you to understand, Gukkie,” he uttered, bringing the other back to earth. “I can’t expect you to understand when I myself don’t quite understand yet.”

“I just… How could you–”

“I told you, I don’t know,” grunted Jimin, rolling his eyes.

“No, what I mean is, how could you keep this to yourself for so long?”

He gaped at his roommate, not having expected this to be his first question. But then he couldn’t stop himself from laughing in disbelief.

“The day you commit murder, do tell me if it’s that easy to admit, Gukkie, then we’ll talk about it,” he said, shaking his head.

“Hyung, please.”

“Listen, you have to keep in mind that I trust you a lot by telling you this. I still don’t want to talk about it, there isn’t much to say anyway,” he shrugged walking towards his room. “Admitting it did lift a weight off my mind, but please, Jeongguk, let’s not talk about this anymore. Now you know the truth, now you can understand why I have been this way, that’s all that matters.”

“I… I understand,” finally said Jeongguk, scratching the back of his neck. “I’ll take your secret to my grave, you can trust me.”

“I do hope so.”

He slightly smiled over his shoulder before closing the door behind him, leaving Jeongguk alone in the living room, and leant against the closed door. The truth was that there was so much more that the other ignored, even about the murder, but how could he possibly tell him everything? How could Jimin possibly tell Jeongguk that his very own boyfriend, Yoongi, actually was part of the mafia too? That he was there for every bad decision Jimin took? That he was there with Namjoon to clean up the mess? He let himself fall to the ground, muffling a sob with both hands. He hated how easy it was for him to lie to the other when they had promised, years ago back when they still lived in Busan, to always be honest with each other. He rubbed at his eyes and took a look at his phone again, unlocking it to be faced with the same name he had been staring at for months now:

 **Taehyung** 🐯

He pressed on call before he could change his mind, a deep knot in his stomach. He knew he was awake, together they lived during the night more than during the day, and he knew it was just the other’s lifestyle. He couldn’t help but dread the moment he would answer as he listened to the beeping sound, he couldn’t even tell how he would react. They hadn’t seen each other in months, hadn’t even texted since that fateful night. Jimin had just disappeared from Taehyung’s life, and so had Taehyung from Jimin’s.

“Jimin?”

A chill ran down his spine when the other answered his phone, his deep voice making Jimin’s bones tremble. He swallowed hard, leaning his head against the door with a thud as he let the feeling sink in. God did he miss that voice, more than he would ever admit.

“Can we meet?” he finally asked, staring blankly at the ceiling of his bedroom, hoping Jeongguk had gone back to bed already.

 

* * *

 

The next day was the first time he went back to the dance studio after telling Hoseok he would be taking a break five months ago. He would be lying if he said he didn’t expect a warm welcome, but he still didn’t expect to be tackled to the ground in a hug by the other dancer.

“Jiminie, you’re back!” he shrilled, not letting go of the smaller dancer once he had him in a death grip.

“God, hyung, please, I can’t breathe,” he wheezed, struggling to get out of the other’s grip.

He laughed as he let go of Jimin, although his expression quickly turned somber when he finally took a better look at his fellow dancer.

“Don’t look at me like that,” sighed Jimin, sitting up as he rubbed the back of his head, groaning when he felt the lump that was already swelling from when he hit his head on the ground when Hoseok tackled him.

“Are you ok, though?” still asked the other, taking in how Jimin’s usually full cheeks had disappeared, now hollow, how his frame just generally looked even smaller than before and how his eyes had lost that glint they used to have in the past.

“As ok as one can be after… that,” replied the silver-haired dancer, shrugging slightly.

Hoseok sighed, nodding his head in understanding.

“Taehyung shouldn’t have let you do that.”

“I still have free will, hyung, Taehyung didn’t force me to do anything.”

The older dancer stared at him with a frown deeply etched on his face.

“Jimin, I know what you did, I know it wasn’t just pulling a trigger like he tries to make everybody believe. Seriously, what Taehyung made you do? It’s basically our rite of passage. I can’t believe you would willingly do something that gruesome, especially considering you actually disappeared once it was done, and I can’t believe he made you do it, too,” he said, standing up. Once he was on his feet he reached out to the other to help him up.

“I agreed to it, hyung, I thought I could handle it just fine. I mean, I had already seen things before and managed to stomach it so…” Jimin muttered, grabbing the other’s hand.

“Watching isn’t the same as actually doing it, you should know that,” sighed Hoseok.

“I just thought I would be able to withstand it, hyung, now let it go,” he groaned, putting his duffle bag on the bench and taking off his hoodie so he was left in his sweatpants and a t-shirt. “I really don’t want to talk about it.”

“But you should.”

Jimin glared at his friend as he started stretching.

“Jimin, you really should talk about it. You’ve been dealing with this on your own, haven't you? Yoongi told me Jeongguk was worried about you, that you wouldn’t talk to him, which I understand,” he hurriedly added when he noticed the other’s glare harden at the mention of Jeongguk’s name, raising his hands in the air. “You don’t want Jeongguk to get involved, Yoongi doesn’t really want it either, and we all know what his opinion on our… activities is, but you still need some mental support.”

Jimin rolled his eyes in reply, getting in position to do a split.

“You really… God,” Hoseok grunted in frustration, running a hand through his hair.

“I actually told Jeongguk.”

The dancer froze, staring completely dumbfounded at the smaller man.

“You did _what_ now?”

“I told Jeongguk, yesterday,” repeated Jimin, glancing at his friend for a second. “I mean, I didn’t tell him much, just that I had killed someone, so he doesn’t know the context, he doesn’t even know what I truly did. And to be honest, he already suspected it, I mean… I came back home that night covered in blood, he just didn’t buy the _there-was-an-accident_ excuse after seeing me in that state.”

“Oh my God, Jimin… How can you be so calm about this?”

“I had five months to get over the fact that I tortured and killed two men in cold blood, hyung. I came to terms with it in the end, getting Jeongguk off my back was the only thing left to do,” he explained, looking at his reflection in the mirrors as he lowered himself. “It was better to tell him when I had my emotions in check than wait until the day I actually have a mental breakdown. At least yesterday I could decide what to tell him.”

Hoseok kept on staring at his friend, not quite understanding how he could be so calm about the whole situation when he had to deal with the psychological aftermath on his own. They all had killed someone at some point in the organisation, but they all had moral support to deal with it, they grew up with the knowledge that they would have to do it one day anyway. Jimin on the other hand? Jimin hadn’t grown up in their environment, Jimin was a complete outsider, an innocent soul in a way, and in no way was he prepared for what was coming, especially at the pace things moved between him and Taehyung.

Hoseok knew the dancer before he was in a relationship with Taehyung, they had met when Jimin had taken dancing as a minor, therefore he knew what kind of person Jimin was. He was kind, too kind perhaps, he always tried to make others happy, sometimes sought praises a bit too much, but Hoseok knew where that insecurity stemmed from so he never held back with the compliments. Jimin was just too pure and innocent for his and Taehyung’s world, or so he thought. Somehow the silver-haired dancer had fit right in the moment he had gotten involved with Taehyung, not once had he blinked an eye, not even the first time he had witnessed someone being punished for failing at their mission. Then, Hoseok had slowly started seeing him in another light, but even with how unfazed he was, Jimin stayed kind to everybody he met and never once did he show signs of their lifestyle affecting him, not until that night.

He wasn't there when Jimin fell in too deep, he wasn’t there when Jimin did the irredeemable. He only heard the whole truth from Yoongi, he could still perfectly remember how his blood had frozen when he had heard what Jimin had done. Yoongi had told him Namjoon had a video of the whole ordeal, but Hoseok had refused to watch it. He knew the men Jimin had killed would have wound up dead anyway, but he just couldn’t make himself watch his friend destroy any chance he had left of leading a normal life. And now… Hoseok could see Jimin had changed. He didn’t know what had happened during those five months, but he could see it had taken a toll on him, he wasn’t the same man anymore. He probably would forever keep a nice front, but he could see that something had changed in the other’s eyes, he could see by the way he held himself that he was on guard, even the way he had just spoken to him was different from before. Never had Jimin sounded so detached, he was the opposite, he always took everything to the heart, and it usually showed. The only times he hid his emotions were when he spoke with his parents, which Hoseok knew had turned even more scarce than before once Taehyung had appeared in the other’s life. If he were to be honest, Hoseok wasn’t even sure he knew who Jimin was anymore.

“Now, are we gonna dance or what, hyung?” asked Jimin in a teasing voice, staring at him through the mirrors.

“I hope you still trained during your break, because you have a lot of catching up to do,” he replied, starting the song, ignoring the gnawing feeling he had in the pit of his stomach.

 

* * *

 

He ran a hand through his slicked-back hair, his eyes roaming around the club, his hand tightly holding his glass. He hated the way his stomach churned, it felt like someone was twisting his insides, enjoying torturing him, considering how much it hurt. The more time passed, the more he started thinking it might have been a bad idea to come, after all he had never been so nervous before, it had to be a sign. He gulped down the rest of his drink and set the empty glass down on the bar, leaning back against it. He wanted to be able to see Taehyung when he would approach him, he wanted to have time to see what he looked like after almost half a year of radio silence.

Truth be told, Jimin wasn’t ready when his eyes landed on him. He spotted Namjoon and a man he didn’t know by his side, but his attention didn’t linger on them, it focused on the now-blond-haired man. He felt his heart clench in his chest when they locked eyes, feeling himself drown in the other’s blue orbs. With a lump in his throat, he watched him walk closer, leaving Namjoon and the other man behind.

Now he knew.

The reason he hadn’t hesitated was so painfully obvious now that he had Taehyung right in front him, a hand already on his waist to guide him to one of the private rooms of the club, his deep voice murmuring words in his ear that his brain just wouldn’t fathom. As he observed the other’s profile while they walked, the scary realisation hit him like a ton of bricks. Love made him do it. He was so deeply in love with Taehyung, he probably would do anything for him.

“You changed.”

Jimin stood with the closed door in his back, arms crossed over his chest, watching the other take a seat on the large black leather couch.

“You changed your hair colour,” added Taehyung, tilting his head to the side, a cryptic smile adorning his lips.

“I needed a change,” replied Jimin once he managed to swallow the lump in his throat that had prevented him from speaking until now, he hadn’t even managed to reply to the greeting the other had given him at the bar. He ran a hand through his hair absentmindedly, finally looking away from the other’s blue eyes. “You changed too,” he added.

“I needed a change,” replied the blond, leaning back in the couch, grinning in his usual boxy smile.

Jimin shook his head, a slight smile tugging at his lips when he heard him repeat his words. He looked back at Taehyung, observing the way he extended an arm over the back of the couch, as if inviting Jimin to sit next to him, a cigarette already lit between his fingers. Jimin’s eyes, however, then landed on the gun that laid on the corner of the table, in Taehyung’s reach. A Glock 19, just the same he had used five months ago. He should have expected Taehyung to be armed, especially when he went around on his own, but it still made Jimin freeze in his spot, feeling like a cold hand had wrapped itself around his throat. The other seemed to quickly notice it as he carefully grabbed the firearm to put it away, out of Jimin’s sight.

“It’s all right,” he uttered, his voice slightly croaking.

“Jimin…”

“It’s fine, Taehyung, it just took me by surprise. It didn’t bother me before, it won’t now either,” he sighed, rounding the table to sit next to the other. He took the cigarette from his hand and took a drag, closing his eyes.

“The situation is different, though.”

“How so?”

He could feel Taehyung’s eyes burning in the back of his head as he leant forward, stubbing the cancer stick out in the ashtray. He licked his lips, tasting the nicotine on them, and grabbed the bottle of whisky and the two glasses that were already set on the table for them.

“I made you kill people, Jimin.”

Jimin’s hand froze mid-air as he was pouring the first drink. He put the bottle back down and slowly turned around, a frown now twisting his face.

“You didn’t make me do anything, Taehyung.”

“Yes, I did. If it weren’t for me, never would you have even thought about taking somebody’s life,” retorted the blond, straightening up. “If it weren’t for me, you would still be leading a perfectly normal life.”

Jimin heaved a sigh, locking eyes with him again.

“Do you regret it?”

“Regret what?” questioned Taehyung, frowning.

“Meeting me.”

“Never,” he immediately replied, shocking himself by how fast and earnest his answer had been. “I should be the one asking that. Do you regret it?” he asked back.

Jimin stared at him, a sad smile finally stretching his plump lips.

“My brain tells me that I should stay away, for my own sake, but the heart wants what it wants,” he answered, shrugging. “If I listened to reason, we wouldn’t be here right now.”

“But do you regret meeting me? Getting involved with me?” pressed Taehyung, taking one of Jimin’s hands in his own, engulfing it. He smiled softly when he saw it, remembering how he loved the way Jimin’s hands fit perfectly in his.

The dancer looked down at their hands before looking back up, surprised to see that the other still looked at him the same way he used to before, with so much love and adoration that it almost pained Jimin.

“No,” he finally replied, grinning when he saw the other’s eyes widen, clearly he hadn't expected that answer.

Taehyung had been a life changer for Jimin. It was thanks to him that the dancer had finally decided to actively pursue his dreams, it was thanks to him that he had had the courage to switch majors, from business to dance, even with the pressure of his parents’ expectations on his back. He had disappointed them, but he didn’t care as long as he had Taehyung by his side. They might have done stupid things together, dangerous maybe more than stupid if he were to be honest, but it made him feel alive in a way he had never experienced before. The adrenaline was something he had become addicted to, his love for Taehyung blinding him in all the bad decisions they made together, or at least, bad in the eyes of society. He still didn’t quite comprehend how love could possibly have trumped his moral values to the point that he willingly killed two men, but he had realised after all those months that he just couldn’t live without the other. He might have felt sick when he had realised what he really had done that night, he might have wanted to disappear for a while, hating how easily it had been to pull the trigger and dump everything he had always believed in until then, but the worst was how miserable he had felt without the other by his side. He knew it was wrong, there was already something wrong about being able to overlook torture and murder when he wasn’t involved, there might even have been something toxic about their relationship, but what did he have left to lose now?

“Even after all this, I believe I still love you.”

If it had been humanly possible for eyes to widen even more, he knew Taehyung’s would have, which made him laugh.

“I’m starting to think you were made for my world, more than anyone could imagine,” uttered the blond, coming down from the shock.

“I don’t think anyone is truly made for your world, Tae,” countered Jimin, shaking his head. “But I think some of us are just… more inclined to it.”

“Do you think you are, then?”

“Do I have a choice?”

“What do you mean?”

Jimin smiled, keeping himself from rolling his eyes. He knew he had kept to himself a lot the past five months, barely going out, living off his savings and what was left of his scholarship rather than starting to work with Hoseok at the dance studio like they had planned he would once he graduated, but he hadn't been blind. What he had done had made him hyper-aware of his surroundings, so spotting the men that had been following him and camping out his building hadn’t been that difficult, especially that he had quite easily recognised their faces.

“I know you placed men outside my building, Tae,” he said, observing the way the other’s eyes flickered to the side for a second, guilt flashing in them. “I know you had them follow me as well as Jeongguk.” He rose his hands when he saw the blond open his mouth, obviously wanting to justify himself. “I know why you did it, there’s no need to explain it. I know that the moment we got together, I got involved in your business, whether I wanted it or not. And I know the moment I pulled that trigger, there was no coming back.”

Taehyung only sighed in response, rubbing the back of his neck in an attempt to relax himself. He would probably never tell Jimin, but the truth was that he had been on edge the whole night, even the whole week that had followed Jimin’s phone call. He hadn’t been able to tell what the other truly wanted to do by meeting, his voice had lacked emotions, something he wasn’t used to coming from the other.

“It took me a while to accept it, but I did, unconsciously I think I already knew what was coming my way, back when we started dating,” Jimin slightly shrugged as he spoke, hating how solemn this whole conversation had turned, it felt like something was breaking, or maybe being let loose. “It was easier to try to ignore the fact that my boyfriend would one day become a mafia boss, that he probably had more blood on his hands than I could ever imagine, and that I was about to become the same.”

“I’m sorry, Jimin.”

And he sounded genuinely sorry, he almost looked mortified, when Jimin looked at him. The dancer knew Taehyung must have beaten himself up after that night, because Taehyung always took too much on his shoulders, and as much as Jimin had begun to take some of that weight off as they advanced in their relationship, which had led him to discovering more than he should ever have in those few years they had known each other, Taehyung had to deal with what he had done to the dancer on his own.

“We can still work something out, I can make people forget about you,” uttered the blond, cutting short Jimin’s musings.

“Taehyung…”

“I can, you know I can.”

He looked so serious and determined to give Jimin his old life back, it made him want to laugh. He knew very well Taehyung could do it if he asked him to, he had the means for that, but it was too late.

“It’s too late, Tae.”

Taehyung only frowned, confusion deepening as he watched the other unbutton his shirt and turn his back to him. His eyes then widening when Jimin let the fabric fall down his shoulders and pool around his hips, still tucked in his trousers. Taehyung let his gaze roam over the other’s back before it landed again on the tiger tattoo that now adorned the other’s otherwise flawless skin.

“I know I will get my ass beaten up by Hobi-hyung, but what’s done is done,” stated Jimin, looking over his shoulder to gauge Taehyung’s reaction.

And he knew then that it was worth it, because the look of adoration and pride was back in the other’s blue eyes, all trace of regret gone. It was worth it when he felt the other’s lips on his own as he pushed him down on the couch, devouring him whole again.

Love made him do it, and the truth was, he would do it again and again if it meant to have that fire inside of him burning all the time.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm actually so rusty with everything that I'm not even sure what to say in my notes, gosh. I know I didn't go in the details here, which is on purpose, this wasn't meant to contain gore or anything like that. However, I do hope you understood that there is something wrong with both Jimin and Taehyung, in no way do I believe their relationship is healthy (just based on what I let you know about what Jimin did for Taehyung).
> 
> Depending on how people react, I might write more of this story, there's a lot that is still left hanging after all.
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated ♡
> 
> You can also find me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/blueminshee), [IG](https://www.instagram.com/hereruha/) and [cc](https://curiouscat.me/blueminshee).


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